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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29342775">Wherefore art thou an asshole?</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/SouthDrarry/pseuds/SouthDrarry'>SouthDrarry</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>South Park</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Craig Tucker Being An Asshole, Cute, Fluff, Gnomes, M/M, Romeo and Juliet References, Valentine’s Day, tweek is passionate</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 12:53:41</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,810</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29342775</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/SouthDrarry/pseuds/SouthDrarry</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Craig may be a good boyfriend but he’s also a bit of a dick.</p><p>Otherwise known as Tweek Tweak reacts to Gnomeo and Juliet.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Craig Tucker/Tweek Tweak</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>70</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>So I’ve not written in a while (hanging head in shame) and I know I’ve some fics to finish. </p><p>So what better time to start a new one? </p><p>I promise promise promise I’ll be working on my unfinished fics next week. I’ve been working from home and teaching full time online and my brain really can’t handle much more screen time (I really shouldn’t have wrote this tbh) but I had the idea in my head and it was stopping me from sleeping so... yeah. </p><p>It’s short, I’ve got the other half to do. But it’s should be funny (ish) maybe.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Craig chuckled as an idea formed in his mind as he, for once, did not skip the YouTube ad. Normally those incessant advertisements pissed him off, if he wanted to sit through an ad, he’d watch TV. But this time instead of clicking skip and proceeding to his anticipated cute guinea pig videos that he’d been binge watching instead of doing homework, he took note of the frankly cheesy and brightly coloured trailer before him.</p><p> </p><p>To most of the town of South Park, Craig was seen as a pretty good boyfriend; he held Tweek’s hand everywhere, got him countless fidget spinners and just dealt with all the zaniness that came his way from dating the spirited blonde. Craig loved Tweek Tweak. That was readily apparent to anyone with eyes. But, Craig was also kind of a dick. There was a small part of him that loved to wind his boyfriend up, even if he had to deal with the fall out, the breath taking way Tweek would passionately rage at any perceived slight really interested <em>something </em>within him. So he couldn’t resist. He booked two tickets to see Gnomeo and Juliet for their Valentines Date. He considered it money well spent.</p><p> </p><p>“Ngh Craig! You know I hate surprises. What are we going to see?” Tweek had pouted at him the next day when Craig had brought up that he had organised something as they walked hand in hand down the corridors, steadfastly ignoring the simpering girls and some guys that glanced their way with longing looks. Valentine’s Day was literally the worst for the heralded couple, friends and strangers alike giving them unsolicited advice, and even more disturbingly, condoms. Craig shuddered at the memory of last year, they had only just started high school for fucks sake, before turning his attention back to the beautiful blonde in front of him.</p><p> </p><p>“I know honey.” Craig gave his hand a squeeze. The dark haired boy knew he was definitely going to hell for this, Tweek would probably ensure it when he found out.“You like Shakespeare right? Didn’t you play that Sebastian guy in The Twelfth Night last year?”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh? Are you taking us to a play?” Tweek’s eyes brightened considerably at this and Craig had to squash the guilt that rose in his gut. “And yeah I did man, it was the show when Clyde started crying on stage ‘cause he forgot his lines.”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah that was <em>sooo </em>funny.” That was all Craig could say on the matter, despite his boyfriend’s tactical questioning. He didn’t want to get the other’s hopes up, considering his true intention of taking him to a film he most likely will hate. He just really wanted to see Tweek’s reaction to the monstrosity that was Gnomeo and Juliet and knew he’d never see it if he knew what it was.</p><p> </p><p>It was a few days later when Valentine’s Day arrived in a flurry of pink hearts and glittery cards. Craig was nervous and regretting already what he was going to do. He really hoped that Tweek wouldn’t dump him over this, that would proper suck. He figured he’d try out Clyde’s tried and true method of playing a boombox at his beloved’s window if that was the case.</p><p> </p><p>“Craig.. ngh.. thanks for the presents. I hope you like yours.” Tweek held onto the bag of goodies that his mom had helped him wrap for Tweek. The coffee flavoured chocolates were an obvious choice, alongside some actual winter wear for the perpetually shivering boy. He’d tucked a grow-your-own sunflower alongside the gifts, he wasn’t sure whether to get a <em>boy </em>flowers, but Tweek had always reminded him of the golden floral beauty and the light they represented so he figured this was a safe bet. Neither of them acknowledged the burning hue of Craig’s face as he muttered that explanation out to Tweek.</p><p>“I do babe.” Craig reassured him. It was true, he loved the CD that Tweek had jokingly made and titled in his bold handwriting ‘Cheesy Dad Songs’. It was full of the apparently shitty, according to Clyde, music that middle aged men listened to. Craig didn’t care though, he loved any era music that wasn’t modern. Then there was the gift that was so full of sentiment that it made even the stoic Craig swoon. Tweek had, unbeknownst to him, taken a frankly adorable picture of Craig with Stripe and had it developed and framed. It was something the dark haired knew he would treasure forever.</p><p> </p><p>The walk to the venue made it all too obvious that Tweek was expecting that they attend the actual theatre house, from the confusion on his face, as Craig pulled them along in the direction of the movie theatre. Seeing Tweek’s attempt to hide his disappointment, Craig resolved that he would definitely be taking Tweek to an actual play to make it up for him.</p><p> </p><p>“I.. ngh.. didn’t know that there was a film adaptation of one of Shakespeare’s plays coming out Craig.” Tweek surveyed the ticket stand dubiously, the line on the top of his nose wrinkling cutely.</p><p> </p><p>“Erm.. yeah. It’s an adaptation of Romeo and Juliet. Figured it would be romantic for Valentine’s Day.” Craig coughed nervously, very much regretting his decision. His boyfriend was going to flip out, he just knew it. He was half tempted to waste the tickets, but then he’d have to explain to Tweek what he’d done and that would be just as bad. Maybe the blonde would find it funny?</p><p> </p><p>Tweek frowned. “Romeo and Juliet is not romance man! It’s a tragedy.”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh erm yeah. Sorry Tweek, do you still want to watch it?” Craig not so secretly hoped that Tweek would say no.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah.. it’s fine Craig. You’ve already spent money on me. I’m sure I’ll love it.”</p><p> </p><p>The boys neared the ticket vendor, and Craig couldn’t hold in his groan when he saw who was manning the kiosk. Kenny <em>fucking</em> McCormick.  The dirty blonde would definitely not just hand his tickets over without some kind of comment. Thinking fast, Craig spotted the one thing that would motivate Tweek to leave his side in a social situation like this. The refreshment stall. More specifically, the coffee machine that was situated upon the counter of the counter.</p><p> </p><p>“Uh Tweek honey?” Craig ventured as they got closer to the stand.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah?”</p><p> </p><p>“Do you mind grabbing me a hot chocolate for the movie from the refreshment stand while I grab the tickets? They do coffee there too.” The dark haired tried his best to smile winsomely, with his mercifully straight teeth.</p><p>The magic word was clearly coffee as Tweek directed his gaze to the aforementioned machine. The caffeine addict couldn’t keep his eyes away as he muttered to himself almost reverently. “I didn’t know they did coffee here.”</p><p> </p><p>“Yup. Best go get the drinks now so we don’t miss the start of the movie.” He popped the p before urging the blonde onwards as they now stood in front of the annoyingly charismatic Kenny who gave them a gap toothed grin.</p><p> </p><p>“Ngh fine.”</p><p> </p><p>Kenny raised a bemused brow at Craig as he watched Tweek leave the front of the queue and make a beeline for the refreshment counter.</p><p> </p><p>“Coffee.” Craig pretty much grunted in explanation. Though that was enough as the boy nodded in understanding.</p><p> </p><p>“So, what are you two lovebirds off to see tonight?” Kenny grinned once more, ignoring Craig’s glare.</p><p> </p><p>“None of your fucking business McCormick.” He crossed his arms in defiance, just wanting to get his tickets and sit with his boyfriend in the dark theatre room.</p><p> </p><p>Kenny snorted lightly before explaining with a shrug. “It kinda is Tucker. I need to know what you want to see to do my job. I work here if you haven’t guessed already.”</p><p> </p><p>“Fine.” Craig sighed. “I’ve already booked tickets to see Gnomeo and Juliet. They should be under my name if you look it up.”</p><p> </p><p>The blonde boy dutifully did his job as he typed away at the computer that had definitely seen better days. Like most things in South Park.</p><p> </p><p>“Hmm oh yeah the 4pm showing.” Kenny confirmed almost professionally before adding with a waggle of his eyebrows and a devilish smirk. “Back row eh? You and Tweek getting up to something you shouldn’t?”</p><p> </p><p>Craig fought hard to keep the blush from his face, and failed, before scowling. “For gods sake <em>McCormdick </em>not everyone is as perverted as you. It’s a kid’s movie, not erotica!”</p><p> </p><p>“You’d be surprised.” He shrugged before continuing as the tickets printed from the machine next to him. “Last summer when I worked here, I found anal beads on a chair after one of the twilight movies. Clearly used.”</p><p> </p><p>“Fucking hell. Why would you tell me that?”</p><p> </p><p>“Sharing is caring.” Kenny gave a lazy smile. “Speaking of, here are your tickets Tucker.”</p><p> </p><p>“Thanks.” Craig grunted once more. He may be an asshole, but he still had manners.</p><p> </p><p>“No problem. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.” The boy winked, laughing at the middle finger Craig flipped him as he walked off to find Tweek.</p><p> </p><p>His blonde was stood next to the refreshment stand, two steaming cups encased in his hands.</p><p> </p><p>“I’ve got the tickets babe.” Craig greeted him with a smile and a soft kiss to the cheek.</p><p> </p><p>“You gonna finally tell me what we are seeing man?” Tweek asked grumpily as he handed over the hot chocolate. It was pretty delicious to be honest, much better than what you could get at Tweak bros. Not that he’d tell Tweek that.</p><p> </p><p>“You’ll see soon enough.” Craig handled the showing of the tickets to the ushers who led them to their assigned seating. The screening room darkened and Craig felt a final thud of nerves all the way through the trailers and assortment of adverts. Then the film began and there was no turning back.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Craig knew he was in trouble as soon as the red gnome narrator appeared and began their monologue and Tweek threw him a truly venomous look. Those usually twitching hands were clenched and his eyebrows were raised to <em>what the fuck </em>levels of height.</p><p> </p><p>“Err Craig? What exactly is this film?” Tweek spoke low and slowly through gritted teeth, his habitual eye twitch seeming more menacing somehow.</p><p> </p><p>“It’s erm.. Gnomeo and Juliet?” It’s based on Shakespeare’s play!” Craig reminded him, attempting to be placating but failing miserably.</p><p> </p><p>“I can see that.” Tweek practically growled. “But why are those <em>things </em>in it?!”</p><p> </p><p>“You mean the gnomes?” Craig began causing Tweek to let out a <em>gah! </em>in response. A middle aged woman with two children on the row in front turned around to give them a stern glare and a pointed hush at the noise they were making. Craig simply flipped her off, watching with satisfaction as she huffily turned back around to face the screen.</p><p> </p><p>“You know how I feel about <em>them </em>Craig. Why would you take me to see this?” Tweek whispered peevishly, trying to keep his voice down as much as possible.</p><p> </p><p>“Erm… I thought it would be funny to see your reaction?” It suddenly seemed like the stupidest idea known to mankind now as Craig uttered out his tawdry excuse. What the fuck was he thinking? Yes he enjoyed riling Tweek up, loved his dramatic outbursts in an unholy way, but god he really shouldn’t have been such an asshole, especially on Valentine’s Day.</p><p> </p><p>Craig wanted to bang his head against the seat in front of him, in absence of a wall. Instead he could only offer up a feeble apology to his boyfriend, suggesting they leave the film and do something else instead. Whatever he wanted.</p><p> </p><p>“No. I’m going to watch it since you think it’ll be so amusing Craig.” Tweek bit out before resolutely staring straight ahead, giving him the cold shoulder in pointed micro aggression.</p><p> </p><p>“Erm okay.” Craig mumbled to himself. He was thankful that Tweek hadn’t stormed out of the cinema, perhaps he wasn’t totally screwed after all. He sure knew he’d have hell to pay either way.</p><p>Then came the commentary muttered from Tweek’s lips.</p><p> </p><p>It started off with a gasp when the narrator gnome <em>whatever it was</em> had the <em>audacity </em>to insult the <em>great Shakespeare </em>by saying that the prologue was very long and boring. The blonde murmured under his breath at his disgust that they would dare to insult one of his literary heroes. Craig would have sworn on his life that Tweek grumbled <em>fucking gnomes know nothing </em>underneath his breath at that point, and he struggled to hold in a smile. The dark haired knew for a fact that Tweek had long since memorised the whole opening monologue a long time ago, he had proudly recited it for one of his auditions last year.</p><p> </p><p>The sheer amount of gnomes that featured on the screen had Tweek wrinkling his nose in disgust. Craig barely watched the introductory nonsense, he was far too engrossed with his boyfriend’s <em>grrrs </em>and <em>gahs</em>alongside a few <em>nghs </em>while the rivalry between the gnome versions of the Montagues and Capulets was set up heavy handidly with the overuse of colour coordination and lawnmower usage.</p><p> </p><p>Even Craig couldn’t contain the groan at the butchering of the Elton John’s songs as they bopped on screen. They just had to drag his favourite artist into this! Craig shook his head in dismay. Least he had something decent to listen to, the antics of the film were far too childish for him. Although he had to lightly chuckle at the way Tweek would periodically utter <em>I knew it </em>and <em>sneaky gnomes </em>throughout the first act. Craig just hoped that Tweek wasn’t going to go full on paranoid over the garden decorations again. It had taken at least half way through middle school for Tweek to finally admit that the Underpants Gnomes were not sentient beings intent on thievery but that his underwear was most likely being misplaced when his mom did the laundry. He really hoped that the blonde wouldn’t revert back to that delusion from watching a kids’ movie.</p><p> </p><p>The rest of the film passed by almost innocuously, other than a few moments where Tweek became concerned with the gnomes’ plotting and whether that meant they had bought packages on his behalf from Amazon when he was out at school. Craig resolved to remind him that it was most likely that Tweek had been sleep walking due to obscene amount of coffee pumping through his veins and had ordered his purchases in slumber. He’d witnessed the blonde do that before.</p><p> </p><p>Unfortunately, the time came for Craig to face the music, as the cheerful credits rolled on and the theatre lights flickered back to life. He didn’t dare meet the blonde’s gaze, he just held his hand out and hoped that it would be taken.</p><p>Relief flooded through him as Tweek’s sweaty palms were placed in his. He managed a small smile as they walked hand in hand, and stumbled into the startling brightness that was the foyer lights.</p><p> </p><p>“Honey. I’m really sorry for taking you to this film. I promise I’ll make it up to you.” Craig felt the urge to say as the heavy silence settled over them. Tweek looked at him then. His gaze sharp as those piercingly green eyes fixed on him. Craig gulped.</p><p> </p><p>“You are such a <em>ngh </em>asshole Craig! You took me to a film deliberately, knowing I’d hate it. On Valentine’s Day of all days, you’re such a dick man!” Tweek yelled fiercely and the dark haired took an involuntary step back. “You’re just lucky that I loved it.”</p><p> </p><p>“I know.. I know I’m sorry. Look.. I’ll get treat you to whatever you want…. Wait?! You loved it?” Craig exclaimed, Tweek’s words catching up to him. It was his turn to stare dumbfounded.</p><p> </p><p>“Well yeah man.” Tweek surprised him with a casual shrug before continuing. “It was cheesy and the gnomes were pretty creepy. But it was actually quite funny and I reckon it’ll be good for kids to understand the plot of Romeo and Juliet.”</p><p> </p><p>“Uh.. what?” Craig still stood flabbergasted. Where was the outrage? The ranting about what a diabolical travesty the film was in its representation of a true classic? In some ways, Craig felt a little cheated at the lack of reaction.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah. I liked it. Thanks for taking me. I’d probably not have seen it otherwise.” Tweek gave his boyfriend a grin and a knowing wink. “Come on Craig. You owe me a coffee. You did say you’d treat me to whatever I want. I’m thinking I might get a fudge cake too.” The blonde now pulled on his stiff arm with a teasing smirk.</p><p> </p><p>“Uh yeah sure.” Craig replied dazedly as he was led away. He really needed to not underestimate his boyfriend in the future. That was for certain.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>So it’s finished! </p><p>Btw I have nothing against Gnomeo and Juliet. I’m watching it currently!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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